Sunday, April 20, 2008

My Life: FAIL

This title is a shout out to this site, which Rachel told me about yesterday. It's really funny.

I feel very defeated lately. It seems like whenever something is starting to turn "my" way, it gets slapped back in my face: FAIL. I was emailing with a friend a while back and we were talking candidly about our disappointment with God. I know that sounds so arrogant: "I'm disappointed with God." Who do I think I am? I don't know how to explain it, other than to say "I'm disappointed." I feel like I'm on an uphill battle in every area of my life: even the things that are going well*. It's almost as if everyone around me is on some sort of spiritual/emotional high and I'm in a deep pit. Speaking of pits, I constantly have one in my stomach because I'm waiting for something truly horrible to happen.

I am trying to get some perspective. I know my problems are not the end of the world compared to other people's, but for me, this is a lot. I feel blocked, almost like God is keeping me at arm's length so I can learn from this time. To be 100% honest, I have no desire to learn from this anymore. I'm obviously not getting the point. You might want to try something else. And, like I told my friend, I don't feel like the point God is trying to make is worth all of this. The only thing I've learned so far is how to be angry. Ugh. I really don't want to be a bitter person.

I don't mean to be a downer or over dramatic. I'm at my breaking point and I need to vent. Sometimes, it so much easier to write than talk. I think today I'm going to go for a walk by myself and try to think of only good things. That should take about two minutes. Just kidding. I'm going to try. I also need to make an effort to talk to God. I know He loves me, I'm just scared of Him right now.

* well enough that i don't feel the need to tear my hair out at the roots.


so NOT cool said...

That blog is HILARIOUS. Thanks for the link.

the Jennings secede from the South said...

Hey, I'm all for complete honesty- think about David in the Psalms! When he was hurting, disillusioned, weeping, crying, angry, confused.. he spoke it to the Lord.

Kristie said...

I think it's normal to go through periods like this. My husband is starting to come out of one. I think it's important to keep dialoguing honestly with Him. Good job.

Obsessive Foodie or Food Addict....You Decide said...

I have felt the same way in my life at times Danielle....EXACTLY the same way. I think we ALL go through this at points in our lives.

Anonymous said...

yeah, danielle, this is quite normal for me. This past winter was pretty much how you described what you are going through. God tends to answer prayer in the last half hour, usually when you think you are going mentally insane. But truly I think I learned how to trust God, as now I can look back on the whole of what we were dealing with(Chris's unemployment, my immature and rude coworkers, my pregnancy sickness) and see how he brought me to another place.