My Life: FAIL

This title is a shout out to this site, which Rachel told me about yesterday. It's really funny.

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I feel very defeated lately. It seems like whenever something is starting to turn "my" way, it gets slapped back in my face: FAIL. I was emailing with a friend a while back and we were talking candidly about our disappointment with God. I know that sounds so arrogant: "I'm disappointed with God." Who do I think I am? I don't know how to explain it, other than to say "I'm disappointed." I feel like I'm on an uphill battle in every area of my life: even the things that are going well*. It's almost as if everyone around me is on some sort of spiritual/emotional high and I'm in a deep pit. Speaking of pits, I constantly have one in my stomach because I'm waiting for something truly horrible to happen.

I am trying to get some perspective. I know my problems are not the end of the world compared to other people's, but for me, this is a lot. I feel blocked, almost like God is keeping me at arm's length so I can learn from this time. To be 100% honest, I have no desire to learn from this anymore. I'm obviously not getting the point. You might want to try something else. And, like I told my friend, I don't feel like the point God is trying to make is worth all of this. The only thing I've learned so far is how to be angry. Ugh. I really don't want to be a bitter person.

I don't mean to be a downer or over dramatic. I'm at my breaking point and I need to vent. Sometimes, it so much easier to write than talk. I think today I'm going to go for a walk by myself and try to think of only good things. That should take about two minutes. Just kidding. I'm going to try. I also need to make an effort to talk to God. I know He loves me, I'm just scared of Him right now.



* well enough that i don't feel the need to tear my hair out at the roots.