30til30: Day 20

I have 30 days until I turn 30, so I thought I'd try to choose 30 moments that have helped shape who I am and want to be. Coming up with the list has been challenging...and enlightening. These are in no particular order.

20: Caring for Candace.

To make a long story short, one night my mom and I involved the police in order to get Candace from a very unsafe situation that my sister was putting her in. That moment led to about three months of caring for Candace full-time, along with my parents. Even though it was a very trying and stressful time, it was full of great memories and experiences:

• Hearing her cry out for me in the middle of the night at first and watching her become more and more comfortable and, therefore, more rested as time went on.
• Witnessing her trust and love of Dave grow. She used to be really scared of him and now she's really mad if he isn't in the car with me.
• Watching her sing and raise her little hand with her eyes closed at church. 
• She could and can distinguish between Jay Z and Matt Redman. She knows when she's hearing songs about Jesus.
• Aaron and Kelly loved on her like she was really our daughter. Candace fell in love with the Lundbergs.
• Observing her crush on Brian develop. He is her forbidden fruit.
• Dave placed her in snow that was up to her shoulders on day. That was pretty funny.
• I feel like I watched and had a hand in the development of her personality. I remember one night, walking home from Valerios and her freaking out to Rachel because Brian and Dave were leaving us. It was hilarious. I think it was the first time she popped out of her shell.
• She was always so clingy with me (with good reason). Even though it was sad because she was afraid of me leaving her, I still loved it.
• Singing "My Hope is Built on Nothing Less" every night before bed after she would say, "I wanna singa Jeesa" (I want to sing about Jesus).
• Saying prayers together every night.

How it shaped me:

• There is something about being truly needed that unlocked something in me. I can't fully explain it, but I'm different now.
• I realized for the first time that wanting a baby isn't just about "wanting a baby." When you have a baby, you're deciding to invest in another life above your own, at all costs, for your ENTIRE life. When I ask myself about wanting a baby, I think about having a 10 or 18 year old. 
• With that said, motherhood is not a far stretch for me at this point.
• I think about Candace on a regular basis. I want her to be happy, healthy and thriving. 
• Dave and I pick her up for church most Sundays. It brings me tons of joy to get her to there.