Sunday, March 22, 2009

30til30: Day 26

I have 30 days until I turn 30, so I thought I'd try to choose 30 moments that have helped shape who I am and want to be. Coming up with the list has been challenging...and enlightening. These final few  ARE in a particular order.

26: The death of Felicity.


This is one of the few dates I picked on purpose. It's been a year and six months since Felicity died and I lost a niece. If it's still difficult for me to reconcile, I can't come close to imagining the ongoing grief of her parents. I wasn't sure how to handle this post, because in some ways, her death has been the most significant of all the moments I've listed. I hope this doesn't seem over-dramatic. That's not my intention.
I'm not going to talk about what I remember. It's way too painful. Instead,
This is what I want you to know about Felicity and her death (from my perspective):
  • Felicity was a real human being. She actually died. She was alive and then she died.
  • Her parents are not supposed to "get over it."
  • They'll never "get over it."
  • It isn't wrong for people to feel pain over her death.
  • My pain is through and for Molly, Aber and Orison.
  • The pain is more about what could have been and what would be, rather than remembrance.
  • Grief is a process, and it's different for everyone.
  • The 22nd of each month is important in the Piper house.
  • If you are close to Molly and Aber, don't make them be the ones to always bring her up. Talk about Felicity. If they don't want to talk about it, I'm sure they'll tell you (wouldn't hearing that be better than not saying anything and wondering?).
  • Molly and Aber aren't strong: God is.
How it shaped me:
  • I remember talking to Molly about how this changed my perspective on our relationship. Felicity's death made me suddenly aware of all the potential tragedies and deaths we would walk each other through.
  • My view of pregnancy and childbirth has changed drastically.
  • I can't explain all of it. I'm going to stop trying. I've been on this last point for 45 minutes and I can't find the right words.

13 comments:

Abraham said...

I've been at that last bullet point for a year.

You're a sweet friend.

Noel said...

Danielle, I love you for the way you love my children and grandchildren--Abraham, Molly, Orison, Felicity, and Morrow.

She who loves my children loves me.

Susan said...

yes.

again, I love this series.

:-)

strange: the "word verification" word is: joy life

Marla Taviano said...

What a gift you've given Molly, Abraham and their family.

JoyinJesus said...

I'm not a personal friend of the Pipers, I don't know them at all except first through Abraham's blog and then through Molly's... but I've followed their blogs and have prayed for them since Felicity's death.
It is amazing how the death of a loved one of people you don't even know can change you. Felicity's life and death and the Piper's response to it, and now yours, help me to know how to minister to a friend of mine whose son died.
Thank you for your blog..
The Pipers are very blessed to have you as their friend.
Your friendship with Molly, just the little glimpse I get through your blogs, is huge evidence of God's grace in your lives!
Thanks!!!
diane

Spirit of Adoption said...

I always get weak when I read things written about Felicity. I get weak b/c the grief Molly and Abraham bear is great, and that grieves my heart for them. I know you are an amazing friend to Molly! What a blessing you are to her!!! Thansks for writing this post, and for being a wonderful example of a friend and sister in Christ!

Jenna said...

i know, danielle, i know...eight years ago, i stood by my dear friend as she lost her daughter (also her second child). it shaped me like nothing else. prepared me to be molly's friend in some ways, i think. changed me in ways i needed to be changed.

and your point that molly and abraham (and all of us, really) are not strong. God is. amen, amen.

zanesmommy said...

Danielle,
Thank you so much for sharing your feelings. How wonderful it is for me to see how some of my friends may have been effected by the loss of our baby. Also the knowledge that others are also deeply effected by our babies is comforting to know, even if none of us will be able to hold them until God calls us home.

Thank you and Happy 30th Birthday!
Christine

Kate said...

bless you danielle - thank you for articulating what so many of us were thinking and feeling on March 22nd. and for speaking the truth: God is strong. Felicity is precious, treasured and missed.

Corie said...

What an amazing friend you are to love them exactly where they are at...to embrace there daughter and to grief WITH them. I am sure they see you as such a gift. Friends like you are rare...but so very precious. I know...I have one too and words are not enough to share the intense gratitude I have for her.

sumi said...

Danielle, I am in tears because your words are so true and your sweet friendship with Molly, Abe and Orison is so evident.
I have dear friends whom I think grieve for our Jenna almost as much as we do. (Their son Joseph and Jenna were inseperable best friends.) It is a precious thing to know that our little ones are not only remembered in our hearts, but in those of others also.

Thanks again for sharing.

Erika said...

Simply beautiful. Thank you...

Stacy D said...

Danielle,

I found your blog though Molly's. As another parent who has lost a child, I just wanted to thank you for this post. You are a friend who seems to just really "get it"... thank you.

What a treausre I am sure you are to Molly and Abraham.

~ Stacy